Guide to being in a modern band that appeals to teenagers.

Guide to being in a modern band that appeals to teenagers.

By Jake Ormrod

Step 1 - Work on your image. Every band member must have stretchers in their ears. A baseball cap placed, not forced, onto the top of the head. Everyone should have at least one tattoo, preferably a sleeve. Skinny Jeans are a must. Side Note - Short hair with the fringe brushed slightly to one side is still in.

Step 2 - The Singer. Your singer must be able to both sing and "scream". If you can't find one with both, the singing must be very whiiiiiiiny, because he has a lot of angst and pain in his past. When writing lyrics, always always always write about a girl or pain. The phrases "Lose Control" or "Better off without you" along with the words "Heart" and "Ashamed" must be used at least once every song.

Step 3 - Instrumentals. Everything you write should be either fast and "punky", slow and grandiose or "FUCKING METAL AS FUCK MAN!". If you can fit a breakdown or two in every single fucking song as well, that'd help. That's it really, empty pointless music by numbers.

And there you have it. You're there kids. Look forward to about 3 albums of gutter shite before disappearing into the musical ether which won't bother your fans at all because it only truly proves how underground you really are.

P.S If anyone asks you what genre of music you think you play you have three choices.

1. "Man we don't really like to categorise it. We just play from the heart you know?

2. "Hardcore"

3. Add a word to the beginning or the end of the word "Metal" Nobody will question it.