Merry CapitalistsWetDream Everyone!

As the Christmas period creeps up on us all I find myself thinking more and more about the humble beginnings of what is now one of the most beloved holidays in the Western World, a time for shame, alcohol, chocolate and arguing with your family. Not to mention the age old past time of spitting tinsel and Xbox 360’s into the face of baby Jesus and the manger he rode in on. Now let’s not get into how the accurate date of Jesus Christ’s birth is already on iffy ground, or bring up that little dispute the Pagan’s have that says Christmas was basically just a ransacking of what was already their religious holiday, and instead move straight into the main thrust of my argument, we need to reclaim Christmas back from the religious. Now before I start getting burning copies of Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion” shoved through my letterbox, hear me out.

                For me, just take thirty seconds and reflect on what Christmas means to you. Go on. I’ll wait. You done? Good, now tell me, did anything you think about have anything to do with religion whatsoever? I’m willing to put money on it that most people reading this thought of what most people think of, presents, family and food. This is the normal view to have of Christmas, long gone are the days in which people would brace the cold travelling to a building to help celebrate the supposed day the man in the sky’s baby was birthed. That is no longer Christmas for the majority and if there’s anything the religious have taught us through the years, it’s the majority that matters. I am merely putting forward the argument that perhaps we play the religious at their own game and gear our society to the majority, meaning we must change the name.

 I can already hear the Daily Mail readers of the world screaming their ill-informed disgust at someone yet again suggesting we change the name of our beloved Christmas, the blood gushing from their eye sockets at the very thought that we would change the name of a holiday that’s original intentions have absolutely nothing to do with their festive rituals. If anyone reading this happens to be one of those people who will this year be whinging about how we’re being told to say “Happy Holidays” and not “Merry Christmas”, which by the way is completely unfounded information, if you could just lock yourself into a room until your starve to death you’d be doing everyone a huge favour, thank you. Also, if there is anyone seething at my assertion that most people now live the commercialised Christmas, as they themselves are part of the boring huddled masses that make their way to the aforementioned “holy” building, I am willing to accept your protest as long as you yourself don’t also in anyway give in to what is now the capitalist wet dream of Christmas Day. You can teach little Timmy about the real reason we celebrate Christmas all you like but a bible won’t slip so well into that shiny new PS3 you just bought him, nor will Jesus be anywhere near as interesting to him. Stand by your laurels Christian people; you can’t have it both ways.

Back to what was my original point, Christmas is far too much of an old fashioned name for how we celebrate the winter festival, from what I gather the name deriving from the idea we meet at mass to celebrate the birth of the guy who died for our sins. As people have realised how boring and pointless this is, it’s time we all came up with another name to accurately represent our favourite time of the year. Perhaps “Merry FreeStuffDay Everyone!” or “Happy TheWorstTimeOfTheYearForEveryoneWhoIsn’tMiddleClassDay” would suffice, I’m not sure yet I haven’t ironed out at all the kinks in my argument. If any of you have been offended by what I’ve written, if any of you even actually read it that is, then feel free to mumble about how my writing is heavily inconsequential and pointless but please understand that I already know this. Have a Merry FreeStuffDay everyone.