A Man’s Response
Legs have never been heavier than mine as I trudge my way through the mid-afternoon crowds, a faceless procession, an environment not far removed from the clinical one I’d been subjected to just two hours ago. Will I be one of the lucky ones? The prospect of violent side effects will never be made any better by an unsympathetic doctor that tosses you aside, ordering you more than asking you to get yourself home.
“Don’t worry. There’s always some excess bleeding after the initial discharge.”
Don’t worry. A man’s response to a woman’s problem.
They’re staring at me. I can feel their eyes piercing me, the sun’s rays doing nothing to alleviate the constant churning in my stomach, a feeling that goes on for hours without any sign of stopping. I don’t know where I’m standing or what route I took to get here, all I know is I have to sit down, stay down, until I feel like my body is something more than a waste disposal unit. I let my head tilt slowly back until it rests upon the brick wall I’m sat against, a millisecond of contentment flashes over me, the wall dividing me from the world behind it, the only firm presence in my life for one brief moment keeping me safe and free. This moment of minor clarity disappears violently from me as the pain inside kicks too hard for me to ignore it, the panic setting in as I feel it trickle down my leg. Waterfalls erupt from my eyes, my strong psyche finally letting my body crumble under the weight of the day’s events.
They’re staring at me. I can feel their eyes piercing me, the sun’s rays doing nothing to alleviate the constant churning in my stomach, a feeling that goes on for hours without any sign of stopping. I don’t know where I’m standing or what route I took to get here, all I know is I have to sit down, stay down, until I feel like my body is something more than a waste disposal unit. I let my head tilt slowly back until it rests upon the brick wall I’m sat against, a millisecond of contentment flashes over me, the wall dividing me from the world behind it, the only firm presence in my life for one brief moment keeping me safe and free. This moment of minor clarity disappears violently from me as the pain inside kicks too hard for me to ignore it, the panic setting in as I feel it trickle down my leg. Waterfalls erupt from my eyes, my strong psyche finally letting my body crumble under the weight of the day’s events.
“Make sure you go directly home. It’s important you find yourself in a safe and comfortable environment if you are electing to leave after the suggested time.”
I guess this is what happens when you don’t follow the doctor’s orders.
I knew he’d be suspicious the moment I asked him to meet me for a Coffee. Since we’d both left for university we saw very little of each other and when we did it was always in our student housing or in a bar with friends so we could make the most of the visit. As he came through the door of the indie café I’d chosen fairly at random the week before, I stood up and tried to stop the shaking in my legs from spreading to my torso as I embraced him for what I’d convinced myself would be the last time. He ordered a coffee before asking me how I was. I couldn’t answer as my hands felt glued to the tepid mug of tea I’d ordered half an hour ago, my plans for deciding how I would tell him had all evaporated from my mind as he sat down opposite me. It felt like no time passed between the moment I first opened my mouth that day and the moment he shot back from the table in disgust to stand over me, tipping his chair over behind him with his legs. As he did so, an entire café of eyes pointed directly at the ensuing imbroglio of rage, tears and betrayal.
“How could you? With someone else…?”
The melodramatic disbelief contained in those words rang in my ears as the woman from behind the counter placed his Coffee opposite me, before replacing the chair to its proper position and moving away, the site of a violently sobbing stranger too much for her to handle.
The melodramatic disbelief contained in those words rang in my ears as the woman from behind the counter placed his Coffee opposite me, before replacing the chair to its proper position and moving away, the site of a violently sobbing stranger too much for her to handle.
Mum’s been back from her shift at the hospital for an hour now but I want to wait until Dad’s back before I go downstairs and tell them, as I don’t know how they’ll react and I’d rather be subjected to one bout of yelling rather than two. I flinch as my dad slams the front door, the whole house shaking at the foundations as the wood locks into place with the frame. I descend the stairs in pyjama bottoms and a t shirt far too large for my petite frame; the scent has gone from it and now when it touches my skin it does nothing but make it crawl. It had been his. I barely had my foot on the bottom step before my dad, a normally unemotional man, was at me with his face lit up; the excitement of seeing his daughter at home after two months was hard to hide even for him. I could feel the warmth spreading from his smile, through his body and then onto my arms where his hands gripped gently. Both he and my mum followed me into the living room asking me questions about my life, something I obliged only out of a sense of politeness that had been instilled in me since birth. Then they asked about him. It was too much for me, the pain on my face clearly apparent as once his name invaded the room I was unable to keep it in any longer and they instantly knew what had upset me. For the next three minutes the living room of that semi-detached house saw more sympathy than it ever would again, comforting word after comforting word poured from their mouths. This all ended abruptly when I explained to them why exactly he had split up with me.
“There are some mistakes we can forgive darling. There are others that must be corrected.”
The rigid shift in atmosphere was unbearable. As soon as my dad had finished telling me exactly what I was to do with my body, he promptly turned and left the room, the fury on his face just one indication of the false happiness supposedly shared by this family. My mum stayed with the express effort of making me believe she was on my side, but the all too unsubtle comments that my dad was right on this one made it very clear whose side she was on.
I went to my room, rang to make the appointment and then went to bed. Come next week I would have nothing.
